I had the third anxiety management group meeting today. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how nice it feels to be surrounded by people who are also affected. The first meeting was the most difficult mentally and physically too. Even though we are all well acquainted you can tell that we are all wanting to run out of there instead of facing our problems. I’ve surprised myself in that I participate. Something I would never normally do for fear of pronounciating or saying something wrong, saying something idiotic, offending someone… the list goes on but they taught me “what will happen if I am wrong?” The least scary thing is that I will be corrected, the most scary thing is that everyone will think I’m stupid and not worth anything. Something I’d been told by people I trusted. For everyone whos had their worst demons spat at them by someone, I wish that you didn’t replay that pain because I sure do wish I didn’t.
Today has been exhausting but I managed to go into the supermarket with a family member and I didn’t purchase and alcohol or comfort foods. I was shaking and thoughts running through my head were as fast as ussain bolt. Far faster than I can catch. This is something to work on. Catching thoughts.
Catching thoughts remind me of dream catchers. I used to have a beautiful one with little brightly coloured beads woven into the “web”. I have chronic nightmares with night terrors. I thought the BFG was giving me nightmares because I didn’t deserve the good dreams. No one ever knew that. I thought it was a secret I’d take to my grave.
These posts have no order, no theme random and maybe boring but it has been helpful to get it out (even if this is possibly the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done). If anyone who does read this can relate and you feel able, could you tell me you feel it too. No details, no pressure. It’s so lonely here.
There’s such a stigma about all of this.