Yesterday was a both terrifying and good. It was the year photo and I was determined to be in it. Luckily my friends were going too and they were so lovely. They came to pick me up from the train station. I went on the train alone all the way to Aberdeen! The journey there was a bit eventful though and I have a lot of feelings of guilt for not defending the person being verbally abused. There were two women involved, one sat infront of me (I’ll call her woman B because she was blonde) and an older woman sat on the seats opposite her (I’ll call her woman A because she was the abuser).
I was shaking getting on the train and I like to sit as close to the doors as possible to so that I don’t have to go past too many folk. It’s always really difficult not to whack people with your bag when you’re walking down the isle no matter how small it is! My ex basically drilled it into me that I don’t have a right to be there, that everyone is much more important than me and if I get in the way or hit someone accidentally then it’s the worst thing on earth. I’m still terrified of doing that and I find myself apologising for every little thing. Anyway, that’s a different story…sorry!
Woman B and woman A… A was doing a vlog possibly a travel one? Who knows… but she was incredibly loud. I could hear her over my music (Sara Barellis’ brave was being interrupted so it didn’t have the effect it usually does I mean “I wanna see you…AND THIS IS LEUCHARS” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it)
Woman A was actually incorrect it is St. Michaels… but I wasn’t about to speak up. I was concentrating blocking her out and breathing trying to pushing my shoulders down. Breath 2-3-4, breath 2-3-4.
Woman B had clearly had enough, and if I’d has any hint of balls then I would have said something too. Now I don’t know if it’s just because I fear being wrong but giving people incorrect information as facts seems very morally wrong. Obviously, woman B thought so too and tried to provide her with some advice. Talk to farmers to get the real understanding instead of assuming and just chucking out statistics, oh AND wrongly naming the town ( as a biologist I love statistics but when it comes to social sciences or behaviours I feel there is too much variation to generalise like that, but hey that is only my opinion, I would never discount anyone else’s). I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her followers. They trust her to be truthful and if wrong admit it and correct the mistake. Woman A is no such woman… I can’t believe someone would say the things she did to woman B. Name calling is low and you would think by the time you’re in your fifties you’d have enough life experience to know that.
I was sat there unable to say anything, I wanted so desperately to stand up for woman B. Especially when woman A said “are you ill, interrupting me like this” Now this made my blood boil, I genuinely wanted to launch across the train and scream in her face that being mentally ill is not a joke, that she was childish and she shouldn’t treat people that way. In my head I played the scene over and over. But of course I’m not confrontational, I couldn’t do it. This poor woman was being called every name under the sun and I couldn’t stop it. Instead as the train slowed and we were all getting off I stood up and said “don’t listen to her, she’s not worth it”. Getting off the train the other passengers tried to converse which was so frightening. We shared a few omg looks and wondering what happened small talk then I ran away. I was actually quite pleased with myself, I’d spoken to the woman B in an attempt to comfort her and the other passengers as briefly as it was. That was soon replaced with a feeling of guilt when I saw woman B on the bench crying. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted so badly to go over, not to block everything out like usual. She was talking to two very lovely rail employees and so I went over and asked if she was okay. Guess what, she got bumped up to first class and that made me really happy that something nice had come from something horrible and I told her I was impressed with the way she handled herself. Until the next train came I stood vigil next to her in case woman A came back. I was seething inside. I’d decided that if I saw woman A again I would tell her exactly what I thought. As it happened she didn’t and the train came with no other mishaps.
My friends picked me up from the station, I was so glad to see them. They are two of the most inspiring and amazing people I’ve had the good fortune to know. We talked and caught up and got to uni for the photo. The minute we got there the building that once felt like home felt strange but it was nice to see the staff. I’ve been on good terms with them since starting my degree and they’ve become my surrogate family. The dogs were even in the photo, we all love them to bits. They come to work with one of our lecturers.
It was then that I saw him, there’s always that one guy we’ve wanted and contstantly thought about. That is probably the most incredible man on the planet (bar our fathers who will always be the best) The one we have difficulty acknowledging and dissect every encounter we have ever had. The one who we will never have but watch from afar because let’s face it why wouldn’t they want you. I’ve had my fair share of boyfriends but none that made me feel like he does by just standing in the same room. He’s looking smart today. In a jacket but all the way over on the other side of the photo. I wanted to stand next to him but instead his friends are talking to me. I’m confused as to why he’s not stood with them seeings as they are always together. I don’t even know if he’s noticed me. It was disappointing watching him leave after the photo. Anyway that too is a different story. One that I get the feeling everyone can relate to.
My biggest fear the whole time was that I would see my ex. We hadn’t parted on good terms and I had no contact with him at all since. (I’d made myself look respectable just in case). As it happened he wasn’t there but I got the low down on his movements since I’d been gone. It was saddening to hear how badly things had gone for him, that he had once again plagerised, was a no show at exams and wouldn’t pass the honours year. Part of me just this little spark made me think “now who’s the one who’s given up and is a failure” and then I scolded myself because that was not nice. Guilt came back.
After the photo we walked to union square and had lunch. It was so nice just to chill out with my friends and not feel like an inconvenience.
I bought some wine because as nice as the day had been I felt so stressed and anxious. I thought I might have drunk the whole bottle when I got home but I didn’t, I hadn’t had any alcohol for a whole week prior and I just had a small glass of it. Given I downed it but never the less it wasn’t the amount I had thought! Progress and I slept like a baby!
Well today is the day after and I’m exhausted. When I told my mama she said get up and go for a run. I just looked at her and said no. (What an idiotic suggestion). Now I’m still in bed and fighting the urge to sleep again…