Ruler of fools This is the only way I can think of to express our relationship without delving too deep too soon but hopefully this will help… M x Advertisements
I have finally been able to get back into writing. It came flooding back, the way the words release pent up feelings. I love poetry, its flexible, there are no right answers. No person on the other end who tries to fix everything just a blank page that will listen closely to you as you breath your life into it.
So here it is. Rediscovering my creative side and giving my scientific brain a chance to rest.
Click link to see a pdf of the poem
He had pilfered it years before.
Set it on fire then boxed it’s charred remains,
My reflection fading each night.
Returning shadowed with the light
Hydraulic tears that sting Continue reading “Poetry”
Mental illness is like internal bleeding and if it isnt treated in time it can cause death or life long complications. The past few weeks have been more of a struggle and I’ve already fallen at the first hurdle for not admitting that sooner. It’s great that there is more awareness of mental illness but […]
Dear Dad, I love you more than any other person in the world. You know how to make us all laugh, even when we roll our eyes at your jokes the world would be an even darker place without them. Your whistling, however, could do with coming down a few octaves to prevent further damage to […]
I have a list of things to to as long as a basketball player. I say that because I’m pretty short and the list is definitely longer than me. Its overwhelming isnt it? They say to break things down into manageable bits but how do you even start doing that?
This past week and a bit has been rough. The suicidal thoughts and feelings took over again and I didn’t bother looking after myself. I couldnt even concentrate on doing puzzles (my favourite procrastination past time) let alone write. I lay in bed all day because I was afraid that if I left my room then I would go to the medicine cupboard and just empty it. I looked up techniques, times, and costs for commiting suicide. I know what I would do, how much it would cost (money) to buy the materials and the length of time it would take me to die/how long I would have to be alone for. I sometimes wish that someone would murder me and then I wouldnt have the responsibility of upsetting my family but that is cowardly. Even in death I dont want to accept the responsibility of hurting someone.
I told my mama about my suicidal feelings and she said that if anyone lived my life then they would feel that way. That I dont try to do things to cheer myself up, that the curtains weren’t even open… Usually this would bother me because it seems insensitive but now it doesnt. I could see that she didn’t know what to do or say and she came back with my favourite food – raspberries. I can see that this was her telling me she cared in the only way she could. I guess I have been very insensitive too, writing off these gestures because they dont fit in with the things I would do. This revelation has probably been the best so far for our relationship during this journy. I say thank you for everything she does now, even when I dont think it is warrented. I want her to feel appreciated and our relationship has gotten a little better. I do have to bite my tongue, breath and remind myself that this is her, she is allowed to be her just as you are allowed to be you. When she judges me now, yes it still hurts and I feel under attack, ready to fight back, but now I can tell myself that shes allowed to have that opinion of me and I am allowed to disagree but we dont have to fall out over it.
I absolutely love country and western music (still pretty new to it). I find the accents of musicians like Alan Jackson so soothing and comforting. Plus give me a man in a cowboy hat any day! Anyway I came across Whisky Lullaby – Brad Paisley not so long ago and it really changed my perceptive of suicide. Even though I have planned mine out numerous times we had it drilled into us that suicide is cowardly, that it is selfish. But really it is not. Its not cowardly or brave nor is it selfless or selfish. Suicide occurs when the weights of life become too heavy to pick yourself up. This song resonates with me. Especially the second verse and that my choice of drink was whisky… wanted so badly to drink away my memories instead of facing them. Each night is much harder without it but I don’t feel like I need it anymore.
I still have so much to write but that will have to wait until later I think
Yesterday was a both terrifying and good. It was the year photo and I was determined to be in it. Luckily my friends were going too and they were so lovely. They came to pick me up from the train station. I went on the train alone all the way to Aberdeen! The journey there […]
I had the third anxiety management group meeting today. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how nice it feels to be surrounded by people who are also affected. The first meeting was the most difficult mentally and physically too. Even though we are all well acquainted you can tell that we are all wanting to run […]