I have a list of things to to as long as a basketball player. I say that because I’m pretty short and the list is definitely longer than me. Its overwhelming isnt it? They say to break things down into manageable bits but how do you even start doing that?
This past week and a bit has been rough. The suicidal thoughts and feelings took over again and I didn’t bother looking after myself. I couldnt even concentrate on doing puzzles (my favourite procrastination past time) let alone write. I lay in bed all day because I was afraid that if I left my room then I would go to the medicine cupboard and just empty it. I looked up techniques, times, and costs for commiting suicide. I know what I would do, how much it would cost (money) to buy the materials and the length of time it would take me to die/how long I would have to be alone for. I sometimes wish that someone would murder me and then I wouldnt have the responsibility of upsetting my family but that is cowardly. Even in death I dont want to accept the responsibility of hurting someone.
I told my mama about my suicidal feelings and she said that if anyone lived my life then they would feel that way. That I dont try to do things to cheer myself up, that the curtains weren’t even open… Usually this would bother me because it seems insensitive but now it doesnt. I could see that she didn’t know what to do or say and she came back with my favourite food – raspberries. I can see that this was her telling me she cared in the only way she could. I guess I have been very insensitive too, writing off these gestures because they dont fit in with the things I would do. This revelation has probably been the best so far for our relationship during this journy. I say thank you for everything she does now, even when I dont think it is warrented. I want her to feel appreciated and our relationship has gotten a little better. I do have to bite my tongue, breath and remind myself that this is her, she is allowed to be her just as you are allowed to be you. When she judges me now, yes it still hurts and I feel under attack, ready to fight back, but now I can tell myself that shes allowed to have that opinion of me and I am allowed to disagree but we dont have to fall out over it.
I absolutely love country and western music (still pretty new to it). I find the accents of musicians like Alan Jackson so soothing and comforting. Plus give me a man in a cowboy hat any day! Anyway I came across Whisky Lullaby – Brad Paisley not so long ago and it really changed my perceptive of suicide. Even though I have planned mine out numerous times we had it drilled into us that suicide is cowardly, that it is selfish. But really it is not. Its not cowardly or brave nor is it selfless or selfish. Suicide occurs when the weights of life become too heavy to pick yourself up. This song resonates with me. Especially the second verse and that my choice of drink was whisky… wanted so badly to drink away my memories instead of facing them. Each night is much harder without it but I don’t feel like I need it anymore.
I still have so much to write but that will have to wait until later I think